Episode 164
#164 | How Self-Mothering Can Help LGBTQ Allies Model Courage and Compassion for Their Kids
In this podcast episode, host Heather Hester delves into the crucial concept of self-mothering, positing that before we can adequately nurture others—be it our children, our work, or our communities—we must first learn to care for ourselves. This notion is underscored by personal reflections on the exhaustion and boundarylessness that often accompany a life dedicated to others' needs, a state from which many may find it challenging to extricate themselves. Heather shares insights gained from years of navigating grief, transformation, and the overwhelming demands of life, emphasizing that self-care should not be perceived as indulgent but rather as an essential practice. She explores the significance of setting boundaries, honoring our needs, and modeling compassionate self-care for those around us. Ultimately, this episode serves as a reminder that nurturing oneself is not merely beneficial but imperative; it cultivates a ripple effect of compassion that can transform our interactions and relationships.
Takeaways:
- In order to effectively care for others, one must first learn to mother oneself.
- Self-mothering is not a self-indulgent act, but rather an essential practice for well-being.
- Establishing boundaries and prioritizing self-care are crucial steps in the self-mothering journey.
- The act of mothering oneself models compassionate behavior for those around us, including children.
- Listening to one's own needs and emotions is a vital component of self-mothering.
- Practicing self-compassion and rest is fundamental to prevent burnout and promote healing.
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
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At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ+ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and foster courageous, compassionate connection.
If you’re in the thick of parenting, allyship, or pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in—I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen explores connection, courage, and community for every concerned parent, mom, or ally navigating fear, grief, and bigotry with hope, resilience, and empathy. Through open-minded education, inclusive parenting guidance, and advocacy for mental health and safety, we support LGBTQ youth and stand for human rights and social justice. More Human. More Kind. empowers listeners to shift their mindset, embrace activism and allyship, and lead with kindness, healing, and purpose.
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Transcript
Welcome back to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:This is the third episode in our Reflection series on mothering.
Speaker A:Today we turn inward because before we can mother others, our work or the world, we must learn to mother ourselves.
Speaker A:This is the episode I wish I'd heard years ago when I was exhausted, boundaryless, and putting everyone else's needs above my own.
Speaker A:As I was writing this episode, I recalled a conversation that I had with a friend, probably 10 years ago now, where we joked about waking up each morning looking in the mirror and asking ourselves, who do I need to be today to keep everyone around me happy?
Speaker A:Eeks.
Speaker A:So I am beyond grateful that I learned what I am going to share with you right now.
Speaker A:Mothering ourselves isn't self indulgent.
Speaker A:It's essential.
Speaker A:I'm going to repeat that because you too may have been programmed to believe that taking care of yourself, whether it is physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, all of the above, you may have been programmed to believe that those things are unnecessary or something you should feel guilty for taking the time to do.
Speaker A:They are not.
Speaker A:Mothering ourselves is not self indulgent.
Speaker A:It is critical.
Speaker A:It means learning to speak to yourself with gentleness and kindness, to hold space for your emotions without judgment, and learning to prioritize your needs and even your wants without guilt.
Speaker A:It's the ongoing practice of asking, what do I need right now?
Speaker A:And then actually listening.
Speaker A:Sometimes the answer will be loud and immediate.
Speaker A:Other times you may need to get really quiet and listen to the whisperings of your soul.
Speaker A:But know that your body, your gut, your intuition will always tell you what you need.
Speaker A:I've had to learn how to listen and prioritize care for myself in recent years through grief, personal transformation, and sheer overwhelm.
Speaker A:For a long time I only knew how to function by giving, by making sure that every person around me was happy or at least okay.
Speaker A:But somewhere along the way, I realized I couldn't pour from an empty cup.
Speaker A:And frankly, at that point, it wasn't just my cup that was empty.
Speaker A:I was wrung out, burned out, and deeply depleted.
Speaker A:Does that sound familiar?
Speaker A:Self mothering for me has looked like creating boundaries around my time and energy, saying no even when, and especially when it's uncomfortable, letting go of the shame around resting and asking for help, being very, very intentional about my time and my routines that are just for taking care of myself.
Speaker A:It's a process, not a destination, and it often feels like I'm learning what the world has taught me about what it means to be productive and how my worth somehow gets tangled up in that if taking time to mother yourself is really hard at first, here is another reason to do it.
Speaker A:When we mother ourselves, we model to those around us what love looks like in action.
Speaker A:Think about that for a second.
Speaker A:We show our kids, our partners, our communities.
Speaker A:This is how to listen.
Speaker A:This is how to rest.
Speaker A:This is how to honor your wholeness self.
Speaker A:Compassion becomes a ripple effect and that ripple can change everything.
Speaker A:So now I want you to take just a moment and really think about these questions.
Speaker A:How do you speak to yourself on hard days?
Speaker A:What does 5 year old you need right now?
Speaker A:Where could you offer yourself more softness, grace or rest?
Speaker A:Mothering yourself might be the most radical and healing thing you do this week.
Speaker A:You are worthy of your own career.
Speaker A:You are allowed to rest and you are allowed to be held even by yourself.
Speaker A:This mantra is my gift to you as you go on with the rest of your day.
Speaker A:Until next time, remember you are not alone.
