Episode 169
#169 | Three (3) Ways Perfectionism Derails the Practice of LGBTQ Allyship & How Parents Can Show Up With Courage
Pride Month Series | More Human. More Kind. with Heather Hester
In this episode of Five Lessons from Parenting with Pride, Heather explores the myth of “getting it right” in parenting and allyship and why perfection isn’t the goal. Instead, she reframes both as daily, intentional practices rooted in humility, presence, and love. If you’ve ever felt stuck in silence for fear of saying the wrong thing, this episode will leave you feeling seen, empowered, and ready to move forward, messy and human.
Plus: a listener “Queer-y” on the evolution of LGBTQ+ terminology, and why the order of the letters actually matters.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why fear of imperfection keeps us from showing up
- How allyship and parenting are ongoing practices, not destinations
- What authentic progress actually looks like (hint: it’s not about getting it “right”)
- How to model repair, reflection, and growth in real time
- The inclusive history behind the shift from GLBT to LGBTQIA+
Listener Queer-y:
"Does the order of LGBTQ matter and how has it changed over time?"
Three Key Takeaways:
- Let go of the need to be perfect. You’ll never know everything, and that’s okay.
- Allyship is a practice. Keep showing up, especially when it’s uncomfortable.
- Model repair and growth. Your child learns how to be human by watching you be human.
🌈 Celebrate Pride with Us in The Kind Space!
This Pride Month, you’re invited to join a community rooted in compassion, connection, and meaningful allyship:
💛 The Kind Space 💛
It’s where the More Human. More Kind. podcast comes to life and where we breathe deeper into what it means to show up for one another, especially our LGBTQ+ loved ones.
In honor of Pride, all new members receive:
✨ 50% off your first month of membership
📘 A signed copy of Parenting with Pride: a heart-centered guide to unlearning bias, embracing your LGBTQ+ child, and leading with love
Inside The Kind Space, you'll find:
🌀 Private podcast episodes
🌿 Bonus content, reflections, and guided practices
💬 LIVE monthly calls to answer your questions
💛 A safe, welcoming community of thoughtful, brave humans - just like you
This is the month to lean in. To stand up. To love out loud.
And to remember: You don’t have to do it alone.
👉 Join The Kind Space (use code B8318)
✨ Bonus:
Take the free quiz to discover your Ally Superpower!
Reflection Questions:
- What’s one way perfectionism has held you back from fully showing up?
- Where could you allow yourself to be “good enough” instead of flawless?
- What’s one small action you could take this week to move forward, even imperfectly?
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen explores connection, courage, and community for every concerned parent, mom, or ally navigating fear, grief, and bigotry with hope, resilience, and empathy. Through open-minded education, inclusive parenting guidance, and advocacy for mental health and safety, we support LGBTQ youth and stand for human rights and social justice. More Human. More Kind. empowers listeners to shift their mindset, embrace activism and allyship, and lead with kindness, healing, and purpose.
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
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Listen to *NEW* episodes every Tuesday and Friday!
At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ+ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and foster courageous, compassionate connection.
If you’re in the thick of parenting, allyship, or pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in—I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.
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Transcript
Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:Let's get started.
Speaker A:Foreign welcome to More Human, More Kind and to this very special Pride Month series.
Speaker A:Five lessons from Parenting with Pride.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester, and I am so glad you are here.
Speaker A:Within these five episodes, I'll be sharing five transformative lessons I've learned through writing Parenting with Pride, and more importantly, through living it, loving, raising, and advocating for my LGBTQ children.
Speaker A:This is episode two.
Speaker A:Whether you're a parent, an ally, or someone who simply wants to better understand how to lead with compassion and clarity in a divided world, this series is for you.
Speaker A:So let's take a deep breath, and let's begin with a myth of getting it right.
Speaker A:One of the biggest hurdles I see, and I experienced it myself, especially among parents, is the fear of messing up, of saying the wrong thing, of not knowing the right language, of being called out, or worse, being called a bad parent or a bad ally.
Speaker A:So instead of leaning in, we freeze, we fumble over our words, or we don't say anything at all.
Speaker A:But here's the truth.
Speaker A:There is no perfect ally, no perfect parent, no finish line.
Speaker A:Allyship and parenting is a practice, a commitment, a daily choice to show up, even when actually.
Speaker A:Especially when it's uncomfortable.
Speaker A:Think about how we approach parenting.
Speaker A:We read books, we ask questions.
Speaker A:We learn from those with lived experience.
Speaker A:We make mistakes, we apologize, we grow.
Speaker A:We don't expect ourselves or our kids to be perfect.
Speaker A:So why do we expect perfection in our allyship?
Speaker A:I used to think that I had to get it all right from the beginning to learn it all, before I spoke up or before I advocated.
Speaker A:But there came a moment when I realized silence was no longer an option.
Speaker A:I couldn't wait to speak until I learned it all, until I had everything.
Speaker A:I was bursting with life experience and a deep, deep desire to help.
Speaker A:So I started speaking.
Speaker A:Even when I stumbled.
Speaker A:And I stumbled a lot.
Speaker A:And I learned that my kids and the people around me weren't looking for perfection.
Speaker A:They were looking for presence.
Speaker A:They were looking for someone who felt the same way they did, someone who was navigating similar situations.
Speaker A:They were looking for someone to acknowledge and give voice to the messiness.
Speaker A:When you're rooted in love, when you're coming from a place of deep, deep love, your kids know it, they feel it, and they respond to it in all kinds of magical ways.
Speaker A:So what does progress look like?
Speaker A:Well, it can look a lot of ways.
Speaker A:It can look like learning a new pronoun or phrase and using it, even if you trip over it at first.
Speaker A:It looks like saying, I don't know what that means.
Speaker A:Can you help me understand?
Speaker A:It looks like apologizing when you mess up and then doing better the next time.
Speaker A:It looks like letting go of ego, of the need to perform allyship instead of embodying it.
Speaker A:Speaking from the heart instead of overthinking.
Speaker A:Can you just stop for one moment and try to think of a moment when you showed up imperfectly but honestly, when you just spoke what you were feeling, ask a question, a time when you just owned the messiness?
Speaker A:What did you learn from that?
Speaker A:And did it build trust?
Speaker A:These vulnerable moments are how you initiate healing and repair in relationships.
Speaker A:And here's the beautiful thing.
Speaker A:When you model repair, you give your kids and your community permission to grow.
Speaker A:You show them that it's okay to evolve, that being wrong isn't shameful.
Speaker A:It's a step forward.
Speaker A:That allyship, that's leadership, and that's parenting.
Speaker A:Now, as a total aside, here I was looking for a possible quote for today's episode, and I came across two of my sister Corinne's favorite authors, Anne Lamott and Maya Angelou.
Speaker A:And I just couldn't pick one because they both carry such beauty and because it.
Speaker A:I just felt such a connection to both of them because of Corinne.
Speaker A:So you get two today instead of one.
Speaker A:The first is from Anne Lamott, and she said, perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.
Speaker A:Think about that.
Speaker A:And the second is from Maya Angelou, and she said, do the best you can until you know better.
Speaker A:Then when you know better, do better.
Speaker A:What's one way perfectionism has held you back from fully showing up?
Speaker A:Where could you allow yourself to be good enough instead of flawless?
Speaker A:And what is one small action you could take this week right now, to move forward even, and especially imperfectly?
Speaker A:So now is the time for this new segment that I'm just loving listener queries.
Speaker A:And if you remember from last week, this will be an ongoing series, an ongoing part of every solo episode where I will answer questions from you.
Speaker A:So I am starting with the most common questions I've heard over the years I've received over the years.
Speaker A:But consider this your official invitation to email me with your most burning questions.
Speaker A:In keeping with the theme of pride, here is this week's question.
Speaker A:What do the letters mean in lgbtq, and does the order matter?
Speaker A:You may have noticed the acronym or initialism for the community has changed over the years from GLBT to LGBTQ and even beyond.
Speaker A:Even more letters.
Speaker A:And that change is more than just cosmetic.
Speaker A:It tells a story of inclusion, advocacy and growing awareness.
Speaker A:In the earlier days of activism, especially after the Stonewall uprising, people often referred to the quote unquote gay community, which largely centered cisgender gay men.
Speaker A:As more voices pushed for visibility, we began to hear gay and lesbian, then GLB to include bisexual people.
Speaker A:But even then, key members of the movement, like transgender people, were being left out or pushed to the margins.
Speaker A:When GLBT became common, many trans activists still felt like an afterthought, so the acronym was intentionally reordered to lgbt, a small but powerful shift to better reflect the contributions and centrality of trans people in the fight for equality.
Speaker A:The Q came next.
Speaker A:Standing for Queer and questioning.
Speaker A:Queer is a reclaimed word for many people whose identities don't fit neatly into boxes, and questioning gives space for those who are still exploring.
Speaker A:And as our understanding continues to grow, we now often see LGBTQIA expanding to include intersex, asexual, and aromantic and more.
Speaker A:So yes, the letters matter.
Speaker A:They aren't just labels.
Speaker A:They represent people who have fought for recognition, rights and respect.
Speaker A:And the evolution of the acronym or initialism reminds us that inclusion is a living, ongoing practice.
Speaker A:As you can probably tell, the practice of allyship is one of my very favorite topics to share about.
Speaker A:So Here are the three key takeaways from today.
Speaker A:1.
Speaker A:Let go of the need to be perfect.
Speaker A:You'll never know everything, and that's okay.
Speaker A:2.
Speaker A:Allyship is a practice.
Speaker A:Keep showing up, especially when it's uncomfortable.
Speaker A:And three Model repair and growth.
Speaker A:Your child learns how to be human by watching you be human.
Speaker A:Thank you so much for joining me for today's reflection in this special Pride Month series.
Speaker A:Five Lessons from Parenting with Pride if this episode resonated with you, I invite you to share it with a friend and definitely subscribe so you can catch new episodes every every Tuesday and Friday.
Speaker A:Pride Month is a great time to find out what kind of ally you are.
Speaker A:So click on the link in the show notes to find out your ally superpower.
Speaker A:Until next time, keep showing up practicing allyship.
Speaker A:And remember, you are not alone.
Speaker A:Happy Pride Sam.
